Sorry for the lack of updates. I haven't really been online all that much. Hard to believe, eh? Well there isn't really all that much to talk about. Well, there is, but I don't feel like talking about it all right now. I'm in class so it's not like I have the time anyway. But good news... I get out WAY early today! Woo!!! Oh yeah, and a new layout is coming soon, whenever I get the time to get online and change it.

I fucking hate people. With a few exceptions, they could all fall off the face of the earth and I wouldn't care. When it comes down to it, people only care about themselves. Actually, I don't even think they care about themselves. Gah, I just feel like ranting. I hate everyone and everything. School blows, living here blows, the fucking internet blows, TV blows, being alone blows. My life blows. I think most of all, I hate me. I am so weak and pathetic and stupid and ugly. I let people walk all over me. I can't stand up for myself. I have no drive anymore, no ambition, no motivation. I don't care about anything anymore. I am constantly depressed and angry and sad and hurt. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a horrible person. People treat me like shit, and what do I do? Nothing. I have no life. At all. I don't feel like a person. I'm just an object. I feel so.....POWERLESS.
I want my god damn life back

LOVING ONE. You need safety in your relationship.
You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy. PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it. You can always message me or tell me how I can
improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

Someone's IMing Rob pretending to be me. When/if I find out who they are, they are going to FUCKING DIE. I swear to God.

Oh yes. I know what it is. Rich. EEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR. I didn't get to talk to him like, at all today. The day seems so...incomplete. Yeah I know you probably think I sound pathetic but oh well. EERRRR man this sucks.

I stay wrecked and jealous for this
For this simple reason
I just need to keep you mind
As something larger than life...

Wow. Okay so I REALLY  fucked up this time. I don't want to get too into details, but man...

I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me. These insecurities I have about me and Rich's relationship have almost taken over my mind. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why I'm being this way. The only thing I know is that I HATE IT. I've never ever been so scared in my life. It's amazing what insecurities can do to you. I don't know why I let it take over me. It's not that I don't trust Rich, because I do. It's just that...I dunno...all the other relationships I've been in have resulted in me getting cheated on and/or dumped for another girl. I suppose I was scared that it would happen again with Rich. And I love Rich in a way I have never loved anyone else in my life. He means the world to me, and I don't even want to think about how it would feel to find out that he was doing anything behind my back. It would seriously destroy me. So basically I guess the reason I got so overly insecure was because I love Rich in a way that I never thought possible, and I guess I'm scared to death of losing that. Nobody really understands how or why we're together, and some people even have a little bit of a problem with it. But you know what, fuck them. It really doesn't matter what they think. Bottom line: I love Rich. He loves me. Deal with it. Like I have said, go fuck off if you don't like it. Cuz you don't have to. For some reason, it's a big fucking deal to people. I really don't understand why. But eh.

Hrmmm. So I feel like posting this. It's a letter I wrote to Rich, that I intend on sending soon.

To: My dearest Rich

Baby, I just felt like I should let you know just how much you mean to me. I love you more than life. I love you unconditionally, regardless of what happened in the past or what will happen in the future. I will always love you. It seems sorta strange to me still how everything happened between us. Normally I would have been freaked out by it all, but with you it just feels right. The way I feel for you is different from any other way I've ever felt before. I can't really explain it, it just feels different. You've totally changed my outlook on life. I have different goals for myself. I feel a little bit better about myself than I used to. I love you so much and I hope that we're together forever.

You know what really gets me? Instead of people being happy for you, they always wanna bring you down. I think love and being in love is a wonderful thing, regardless of the circumstances. Why do people want to bring it down? It makes no sense. Well I think I'm done for now. Bye bye.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Yes, that is the noise that I just made out of frustration. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm going insane. Now Rich is throwing a fit and says he doesn't want to talk to me for a few days. All I did was ask him who in the FUCK  these girls were that he had added to his friends list on myspace, and he got all defensive and pissed off. Yet, if it was me who had a myspace account and had a ton of guys on my friend list, well believe you me,  I would have some " 'splaining  to do". *As said by Ricky from I Love Lucy.* So anyway, I asked him about it and he was like "GET OFF THE SITE" and I said "Well if you have nothing to hide, why are you getting so upset?" and he just kept telling me to get off. So I finally said to him, "You know, I'm not accusing you of anything, but if you're gonna sit here and tell me not to talk to guys and accuse me of shit I haven't done, don't go off and get mad when I ask you a fucking question. Don't tell me it's disrespectful, and go off and do the same shit, cuz that just makes you a hypocrite." And then he was like "Don't talk to me for a few days, I'm going. BYE." and he hung up in my face.

Look, all I want is to be fucking treated like an equal.

Don't go expecting me to be all about you, if you can't fucking be all about me. It just doesn't work that way. Love has to be a fucking two-way street if you want it to work. As of now, I don't feel like it's that way. You don't know how badly I want this to work. I love him with all my heart. I don't think he realizes how much he hurts me sometimes. And if he does, maybe he just doesn't care. Everything seems to be all about him and what he wants. Well you know what? WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?  Doesn't that matter??? Don't I  fucking matter??? I just want to feel like I am respected. I think I deserve a little bit of fucking respect.

You know what I think it is. I think he has a problem with me being right. I don't think he wants to admit I'm right and he's wrong. I think it really pisses him off that I called him on his behavior. He told me once before, "I want you to speak up for yourself, but if you did it to me I'd probably get mad." What kind of sense does that make?? ALL I WANT IS TO BE RESPECTED! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!?!

Maybe it is. I don't know.

Rich, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul and that I'm not mad at you. I just want to feel like you respect me. I just want to be treated equally. I want us to talk about this. I just want you to listen...

[mood] lonely

Oh my God. For some reason I feel really really lonely. I feel like I'm about to cry. I just want someone here to talk to. I'm sick of feeling alone. Bleh. I feel like everybody hates me. I feel like everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Gah, I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.