Wednesday, February 25, 2004
[I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions]
[mood] sleepy
[music] classroom noise
So here's what's been going on during the past few days....
I found out Rob still reads my journals. Eh. I wish he would just leave me alone. I don't know why he still bothers. I wish he would just let it be over. Meh. I don't even like thinking about the whole situation. Whenever it's brought up, it just starts a fight or makes me feel really uncomfortable. My allergies have been reeeeeeeeally bad. Itchy watery eyes, itchy runny nose. It's hell. I want some medicine. I can never get my dad to go to the store and get some. Maybe I'll go after school today. Hopefully. I am sooooo tired. I wanna go home and go to bed. And I want some food. You know what I want? I want some sushi. Mmmmm...and some pasta. Oh man, some Gemelli from Pasta Pomodoro would be sooooo sexy right now. And some cake. Mmmm cake. And a burrito. Man I am such a fat kid! lol. I've got a birthday coming up soon. Gonna be 18. And let me tell you, I'm scared as hell. I'm scared of being the only person I can depend on. I'm scared of real life I guess. Call it pathetic if you want, I don't care. I'm just scared of screwing life up and not getting a second chance. There have been times where I have just layed in my bed at night and cried about it. I'm terrified. Man I'm lame. Anyway...
I'm probably going to try and start my modeling thing. Gonna go to some open calls soon, that is, if I don't move back to L.A. I'm sorta having second thoughts about moving back. I dunno... Me and Rich haven't really fought lately. That's good. I hope it stays that way. Dude, the weather here is crazy. This morning it was like we were having a fucking hurricane. It was soooooooooo windy and it was raining really hard. The wind has calmed down some, now it's just raining really hard. Well that's about it. I'm gonna go now.
My hands were at your throat at 10:12 am and I think I hate you
Sunday, February 22, 2004
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false
01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a bathroom
07. I love playing video games
08. I adore marijuana
09. I like girls
10. I like boys
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like j. Bush
15. People are cool.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have jacuzzi and a Porsche
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
20. I'm really really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret[and im not telling!]
23. I hate snow
25. Punk rock rules
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am not a morning person
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes
35. I have a twin
36. I wear a padded bra sometimes
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them
40. I don't like horror movies
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway
42. People hate me usually.
43. I love pop music
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know national anthem of my country by heart
47. I know more than two languages
48. I spend too much time on the computer
49. I often want to throw the computer out the window
50. I live on a ground floor
51. I don't like chocolate
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds AHAAHHAHAHAHA
55. I want to conquer the world
56. I wonder what happens when you die
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. Eat your dog!
59. I love to exercise.
60. I hate chemistry with a passion
61. I love to write
62. I like changes
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die
65. I hate dish washing
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly
67. My nails are nine inch long
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor (sometimes)
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
72. I should be doing something else rather than writing this
73. I am online a lot, but not in MSN
74. I hate government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend
76. I'm too nice for my own good
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can.
78. I don't trust newspapers
79. I like debating
80. I live in a wagon
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion.
86. I used to play with barbies only because all the other girls were doing it
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little.
88. I like listening to wind chimes
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight (not very long, and not fully straight)
91. I earn a lot
92. I don't like spicy food (not much neway)
93. I keep a diary
94. I can't do cartwheels
95. I am very lazy.
96. I'm sarcastic
97. I think my hair is annoying
98. I'm very sensitive
99. I love being "ab-normal"
100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is a light blue
My hands were at your throat at 03:56 am and I think I hate you
Gimmeee
My hands were at your throat at 02:07 am and I think I hate you
You're Just Jealous Cuz We're Young And In Love
[mood] sick, bored, and lonely
[music] Brand New - Soco Ameretto Lime
I miss Rich.
So, nothing really happened today. I just stayed in bed most of the day. I was feeling depressed and a little sick. Rich tried to accuse me of more stupid shit, which I didn't even bother to argue about. I'm sick of arguing. Every god damned day we have an arguement about something. I'm so sick of it. I cry all the time because of it. I have nightmares. I swear it makes me wanna shoot myself sometimes. I feel like no matter what I do or what I say, he'll never fully trust me. And I always blame myself for everything. It seems like it's always my fault. I keep putting myself through guilt trips because of it. I just wish I was different. I just want for us to be happy.I called up Rich earlier, and we didn't get to talk that much, cuz first he was about to go somewhere so he told me to call back in like 45 minutes. Well I called back, and turns out Chris ( I forgot to mention, the cell actually belongs to Chris) was gonna go to Robbie's and he was gonna take the phone with him. And since they don't have a house phone, I'm not gonna be able to talk to Rich tonight. Meh. I'm so fuckin' bored and lonely. And now my dad is freaking out cuz supposedly I've missed like 89 classes. I know for a
FACT that I haven't. The school's fucking up my records and it's pissing me off. God damn it. Everything always has to fuck up for me. But I suppose it's all my fault. I swear, nothing can ever go right for me for just ONE LOUSY DAY. That's all I ask, one lousy day to not stress out or fight or anything. But noooooooooooooooooo, not gonna happen. I just wanna lock myself in my room for a few days and not talk to anyone.
Life fucking blows sometimes. Ergh.
So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
</3 Zenia
My hands were at your throat at 12:38 am and I think I hate you
Friday, February 20, 2004
[mood] Meh...
[music] No Doubt - Sunday Morning
Well, this is just a random update cuz I feel like updating for some reason. I'm at school. It's lunchtime and, like the loser I am, I'm on the internet. I can't help it, the internet is addicting. Anyway, me and Rich fought last night. Again. *sigh* This time it was because I was crying and feeling guilty about the past few days. I feel like it's all my fault. Every arguement we've ever had could have been prevented if I was just...different. *sigh* (there I go sighing again, I've been doing that a lot lately) I just need to fucking change...
Lyrics from the song I'm listening to:
Sappy pathetic little me
That was the girl I used to be
You left me on my knees....
I'd trade you places any day
I never thought you could be that way..
You're tryin my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange..
<3
My hands were at your throat at 11:56 am and I think I hate you
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Look how adorable!! [pic]
This is my baby cousin Gabriel. He's 4 months old now. <3 He's such a cutie pie!! EEEEEEE!
My hands were at your throat at 04:31 pm and I think I hate you
Dude, I am such a layout whore!
Yet again, I have decided that there needed to be a change in the layout. I can't help it, I just get bored so easily.
I'm having a muscle spasm in my leg. Good times.
Goodnight now. It's 4am. <3
My hands were at your throat at 04:01 am and I think I hate you
I would like to say I'm sorry to Ann Rose for some comment that was I apparently said about them looking up to me. I never meant it as anything bad. I don't know why you think that I'm starting shit. And another thing, I don't know why you have to talk shit about Rich. He doesn't even know you and you don't know him. So please don't start shit. Thanks.
My hands were at your throat at 02:09 am and I think I hate you
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Letting some feelings out...since that is what a blog is for
I gotta just let some stuff out.
I love Rich with all my heart, but it hurts me so much to know that one little thing like finding a guy attractive could very well destroy our relationship. No matter how much I tell him and show him that I love him and only him, it doesn't matter, cuz he's always going to think that I'm in some way being unfaithful, even if I'm not. It's something we constantly fight about. I can't stand it. I can't stand the fighting. I just want things to work. I want it so bad. And I try so hard but it feels like it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm always the one trying and trying to change myself for him, but he won't even change things for me. It hurts. But I keep trying. I love him so much and I want this to work.
My hands were at your throat at 09:29 am and I think I hate you
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
My hands were at your throat at 11:47 pm and I think I hate you
Clickworthy
